Saturday Night Serenade–Fighter

The world’s a crazy place anymore.  I mean, where do you start?

Today, I’m thinking about the conviction of Bill Cosby on charges of sexual assault.  Who would have thought?  I loved him from the time I was a kid.  It’s unsettling to realize that someone can appear to be one thing, yet be so completely other.

I’ve alluded to my #MeToo story.  I was married to a man who seemed to be charming and funny.  And he was.  To everyone else.  Looking back with older, more educated eyes, I realize that he is a narcissist in the most classic sense.

In our home, I lived a private hell, where he abused me mentally, emotionally, and sexually.  His treatment was insidious, starting gradually.  He’d amp it up, then draw way back, convincing me that any given incident was an anomaly.  Until the next time.

Around us, everyone thought he was the greatest person ever.  And there was no one I could talk to–he had me convinced that I was simply a prude, that I was defective.  (Hello, gaslighting!)  He also threatened to take away my kids, and I believed he could do it.

When I finally decided I’d had enough, I had no job, no car, and no money.  But with a little support from my parents I was able to get on my feet and support myself and the kids (turns out, he didn’t really want them, go figure).

That was years ago, and I’ve since met and married my happily ever after.  With my kids grown and gone, I don’t have any interaction with my nightmare.

The last time I saw him was three years ago at the wedding of our younger son.  I don’t have the energy to hate him, and I would never put my son in a bad position by causing a scene.

But what I realized is that now that I’m on the outside, I get the charming, smiling nightmare.  I was all smiles and hugs, but on the inside I was all, “I’m not buying it, dude, I know who you ARE.”

I drew the line, however, when he sat next to me at the picnic reception.  I got up to get something to drink and returned to sit on the other side of Mr. R.  I can be nice and civil, but don’t act like nothing happened, because we both know.

Anyway, Fighter by Christina Aguilera is a fitting sentiment.  I suppose it’s the bad things that make us stronger.  I want to believe that, otherwise all the hell has no purpose.

I hope you’re having a nice. relaxing weekend.  Can you believe Memorial Day is just around the corner?  Be sure to hug those you love.

Happy Saturday night!

 

 

 

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